Driving Ettiquette 102- Blocking

"Remember you are not the only automaton driving a vehicle."

Ooh, I like that. Especially coming from you.
"Do you want to hear this or not?"
Continue.

As told by Humanoid Translator:

If you happen to notice you are guilty of one of the following driving behaviors don't beat yourself up, we all slip up from time to time. If, however, you do two or three of the following habitually, stay away from me. Don't be to shocked, either, if someone slashes your tires, keys your car or- well you get the picture.

Signs you are an inconsiderate driver:

• You block people in their driveways.
• You stop traffic to talk with your buddy going the other way.
• You drive down the middle of two lanes.

Let's take a closer look shall we?

You block people in their driveways.

So you just jumped out of the car for a second right? Maybe to grab your mail or pick someone up. The minute you leave your car blocking a street or driveway you've become an automaton thinking you are the only driver in the world.

Do not do this.

You stop traffic to talk with your buddy going the other way.

Hello! If you need to say more than hi and wave when there are other drivers behind you... PULL OVER. If I wanted to know your dog had heartworms I'd follow you to the vet's office.

Do not get mad when I start talking too and ask what pill your dog is taking.

You drive down the middle of two lanes.

Maybe it's snowing and that's the only clear spot?

Otherwise, I'm assuming you are drunk, blind or sleeping all of which are cases like an automaton on crack and you shouldn't be driving.

Do not act all shocked when you wind up in a ditch or handcuffed in a cruiser.

If you aren't hospitalized or incarcerated from your last accident then please before it's too late realize that 'it's time for change'.

Remebering the Important Things(i.e. before you get knocked out)

"When you are going under anaesthesia the funniest things seem to filter through your mind."
You went under anaesthesia? And I missed it!
"No, personally I have not. But I have a story to relate."
A factual story.
"Partially."
Which part?
"Can I get on with it please?"
Sure, though it is my blog so I should be the one saying that.
"Then say it."
Can we get on with it please. See how I added that extra bit of snot to my voice.
"Ewww. What were we talking about?"
A partially factual story about anaesthesia.

"Right. You'd think someone would be worried about the procedure they are about to receive or their reaction to the anaesthesia. This particular human, let's call her Jane, was most concerned about her tooth."
Well was she getting her face worked on?
"Decidedly not. It had nothing to do with her face, teeth, head, etc. As she was getting wheeled away though you could hear her saying, 'I don't care about the procedure, I'm worried about my tooth.' I guess it is the small things in life."

You are so funny 'small things'. Please stop trying so hard. Besides making fun of a stranger is not cool.

"Who said it was a stranger. Do family members count?"
Oh well that's okay. Just wanted to make sure you weren't violating HIPPO laws.
"Eliza..."

Randomness

Pizza making is even more fun with a kid so if you don't have one just borrow one like my humanoid did.
"It's called babysitting, not borrowing- that sounds so illegal."
The only downfall to kids helping-they want to make some for their Web Kinz.
"So sweet."
But he made it on the floor. Disgusting.
"What do urban ants eat off of?"
Plates.

Quotes from the Golden Globes

'This is the only time I'm going to be in competition with Clint Eastwood' -Bruce Springsteen
'Mad, pulsating, affection' -Danny Boyle
'I still have a cold...it's not the other thing it used to be'
'They must have done the counting in Florida'
'I'll cut when I get off stage and you can have a hemisphere' -Colin Farrell

more to come...
"Why didn't I think of this earlier?"
YOU!

"Victoria Beckham hasn't eaten for three weeks...Madonna has had to get rid of one of her personal assistants. Our thoughts go out to you Guy Ritchie." -Sasha Baron Cohen

"Eliza Leigh, I don't like that one so much."
Well it's my blog so as Tina Fey says-

'Who's the other one?...Oh please wrap up you have no have idea how much I'm not wrapping up.' -Kate Winslet

'I'm not really a public speaker so I was hoping to get Robert Downey Jr to come up here for me.'
'He's smarter than the rest of us, maybe not Steven (Spielberg).'
'I'd like to thank my dogs.' -Mickey Rourke

'And my girlfriend for only dumping me once.' -Christian Colson Slumdog Millionaire

The Golden Globes

Human thanks for watching this show or me. Why didn't you watch it last year?
"It was cancelled.."
Oh well why didn't you watch it the year before?
"It's not something I countdown the days for. Not like-"
Star Trek. G e e k.
"Hey, there's a lot of other movies I'd like to see."
Okay, ssh, Steven Spielberg's montage is on.

Ripoff Pictures

I love it when you borrow memory cards. Here's a few pictures that were pretty cool.
"I got permission."
Sure you did.
"Really, well except for the cool lady."
Do you even know her?
"Maybe."
Movie star.

2009

So human now that it's 2009 do you have any resolutions?

"Like getting rid of you?"

Ha ha. How about finding a new psychologist?

"I don't have one."

You should.

"Hmm-bug spray."

2009

"2009: A fresh year. Do something!"

That sounded motivational.

Almost made me think about it.

Hard Headed Humans

I thought it was just my human but now I think you all have thick heads.

A girl riding home on the train on Christmas Eve has a crow bar that is attached to the emergency window fall and hit her in the head. Does she scream? Cry? Ask for her lawyer?
No she says 'what was that'?
WHAT WAS THAT? A CROW-BAR! AND IT JUST HIT YOU IN THE HEAD!
"Like usual you did exaggerate the situation. I know the girl... she's so hard headed that the crow bar bounced off her and hit the couple behind her."
NO!

"Okay seriously, the crow bar did fall down but thankfully it only grazed her temple and it missed the couple in the seat behind her. I heard she did go to get a tetanus shot though."

You spoil all my stories...next I'll tell you about the lady with the thermal event- NO lie.

Snow Day (Monday)

FYI-

Do not EVER let my human borrow your car especially if you need it to get to work the next day.

"It was an accident."

With subzero ("16 degrees") conditions, ice-glazed snow and slushie sandals my human notices the car keys in the locked car when leaving work this morning. Happens to all you humans I've been told but let me show you how mine made this simple mistake worse, ten times over.

• CAB RIDE TO LOCKED CAR- $20
• PEOPLE FOUR HOURS LATE TO WORK- 2
• TRYING TO EXPLAIN HOW YOU GET LOCKED OUT OF 2 CARS IN ONE DAY- RIDICULOUS

Not only did my human get locked out of the car at work but locked the other car at home as well so instead of a simple car switch had to wait for the cab carrying the two car poolers and the extra sets of keys. Then had to wait almost two ("1.5") hours at the train station for a train to go the right way.
"Well at least I didn't have anything to do with that. I lost my debit card too if it makes you feel better."
Not really since now I have to wait two whole weeks ("10 days") till I can borrow it again.

Snow Day (Saturday)

Going to the mall is something my translator abhors on a normal day, add a snow storm and being five days before Christmas- a very bad combination.
"Horrendous."
At least you didn't have to drive.
"But I didn't expect walking around the mall either."
By the way you dressed I'd say that was obvious.
"What?"
Two words ho bo.

Snow Storm Day One

If you have been following this blog then my next statement will not shock you.

My human is crazy.

For others, I'm serious and you can believe a talking mutant ant. For real.

Many people in the US may have heard about some snow storms that are effecting well pretty much from coast to coast. Snow in New England, normal. Snow in Las Vegas and Houston, eh not so much.

Does this stop my human from behaving like a child who's never seen snow before? Of course not. Plans had to be changed all errands done before 3 o'clock so we could be home to enjoy the snow. In reality, errands were complete by noon and my human was a bundle of energy looking out the window, cleaning out the fridge (I had no idea that pizza dough could go bad :/) and the horrors doing laundry. We even made homemade pizza dough and obviously pizza.

I think I could live with a few more snow storms.

"Not if you had to shovel out afterwards. Here's a few snaps from today. Enjoy & stay warm where ever you may be. Hey rewind that!"

That's right the best part- I can watch movies ALL day and my human wont stop me.

Driving Etiquette 101

Here's a quote from a unself-described road rager:
Do not tail the car in front of you and do not fall to far back so others can cut you off.
"Eliza, I know you're not talking about me and 'unself' isn't a word. How about a eliza leigh described road rager?"
I like unself better.
"Whatever."

The funny part about this road rage expert (ooh I like even better) is they rarely ("Never") follow this tenet.

Let me ask you all this geometry question:
If four cars are in front of you and you DON'T tail will you make it through a red light that everyone else is stopped at?
"Eliza. The 'road-rager' was panicking thinking they were going to miss their train. If it made them feel better to yell at me for not tailing someone who couldn't go anywhere anyways- then that's their prerogative. Besides it was funny.
'Go faster I would have made it through the light.'
'But there's four people in front of us, you driving would have changed that?'
'Maybe.'

The Lesson here people is~
never listen to your passengers("unless one's not completely in the car")
let the panicked person drive ("if they crash it won't be your fault")

Winter Clothes

That's it?

"Well, one's for you and one is for the camera. I'm waiting for my lens cap and I don't want the lens to get messed up. Obviously."

Obviously, you're messed up.

"Hey I have socks on."

With sandals.

"Eliza Leigh, which do you like the most? I like the top one."
I wish you had taken a picture of the bag of dog poo at the park. That would have been better.
"Nasty."
Ohh, foods here.
"None for you. Dog poo, yuck!"

Random Pictures

As you can see my humanoid is obsessed with the new camera.
"My memory card is STILL not here. Wah."
It's pretty amusing to watch a grown 'adult' scrounge around taking pictures and then uploading them 12 at a time. Here's a few from this week.

"Hey look! Someone made a Mii out of you!"

That's not accurate. I don't wear purple.

New Camera!

YEAH! After years okay days of waiting my humanoids camera is here.
The bad news- doesn't have a compatible memory card-
"yet! I just got one off of-"
Let me guess, ebay. Here's a few we were able to take since the camera has a small amount of internal memory.

I think this was while my human was finally putting fluid in the car and air in the tire. Who says we're not prepared for winter.

And don't forget the quickly wilting flowers from Sunday dinner.

***Important Update***
"For those who read the comment below and are confused we removed the food pictures. The egg salad was grossing people out."
Oh admit it. Once someone told you it looked like finger nails you were grossed out too.
"Eww, stop reminding me. I'll put some pictures I took of last night's dinner. WW's version of Kung Pao Chicken."
Yeah that was yummy.
"I figured you liked it since you ate it all."

Human You Look Green!

"Ugh! That's what happens when you listen to Big Mama Thorton sing 'Your Love Is Where... ' your eyes closed and spinning on a massage stool."

Oh, that's all? I thought you were drinking ether. How disappointing.
"Here you try-"

PUT ME DOWN! STOP!
"Hmm, perfect song 'Bad Luck is on Me' by Guitar Slim."

Please, I'm going to be sick. I just ate all the chocolate bon bon ice cream things from Trader Joes.
"All of them?"

Well, except for the three I gave Beagle. Nooooooo!

Black Friday

Hey Human are you out shopping right now?
"No. I'm sleeping. Or was anyways."
I've heard of people waiting in line for Toys-R-Us, Best Buy, the Mall but never until today did I hear of someone waiting for Staples to open.
"Oh yeah? Someone you know? Well, I heard of people waiting in line at pet stores especially when they have exotic pets."
Ohh like ants.
"Or Anteaters."

What Are You Doing?

Human, it's 3 AM in the morning. What are you doing home and what is that racket?
"Oh, sorry Eliza did I wake you?"
DUH!
"Hmm, I wonder if they make ear plugs for ants?"
I don't have EARS. human.
"Wow, I didn't know that ants growled. Oh all right. I got cancelled for work tonight and since I took a nap this afternoon I figured I might as well clean... and move a small couch... maybe a few bookcases."
What about the people below us?
"Oh, they're sound sleepers. I think. Fine I won't move the big stuff. Now be quiet I have Howl's Moving Castle on for you. Sleep. sleep. s l e e p."
I won't be able to 'Sleep. sleep. s l e e p' until you stop all that racket.
"Fine! I'll just fold laundry that won't be too noisy for you will it your majesty?"
As long as you don't recite the moving while you're folding.
"Of course not. 'Finish your breakfast.' He, he. Okay now I'll be quiet."